My Porn Addiction Story Part 5

I was a porn addict not to long ago and I’m here to tell you I understand the false thrill and the condemnation Satan lays upon your heart. I promise this back story leads into my porn addiction I am right now explaining the foundation that was built leading me into porn.

If you haven’t read the previous post then please do so before you read part 5

At first Belle wasn’t aware of my sinful addiction and I was in a downward spiral losing control even though I felt in control, but see that is what the devil wants you to think, he want’s you to think you’re in control but reality is you’re not in control you’re just being played like a puppet.

Satan had me right where he wanted me because I wasn’t just harming myself from the poisonous addiction, no instead I was destroying the very woman I claimed to love with all my heart. She told me that my addiction to pornography left her feeling ugly, insecure  lonely, etc. I felt like a monster because I hurt her so badly but at the same time I felt trapped by my addiction to pornography and every time I tried to stop viewing porn satan would tug on my weakness by tugging on the very hidden dark desires within my heart.

I would constantly ask God for forgiveness which seemed like 50,000 times a day but I just couldn’t escape the addiction I would plead daily for God to deliver me but I would go days where it seemed like God wasn’t there then one day the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said “my child it’s already over for the Son of God paid for your addiction“

Even though I knew the almighty Lord Jesus Christ paid for my sins I still couldn’t escape the feeling of being trapped within my own mind because of the lustful thoughts happening within daily. One day I decided I was going to break away from porn and as I did for a few days I noticed the desire within grew stronger and instead of fighting back I gave in. I did this to the point that I really didn’t know myself anymore because the poison was erasing me from within. I can remember it was a hot summer night and Belle wanted to go for a walk but I kept her waiting for over a hour for me because I was watching porn. After I finally made it outside she asked me what took me so long and I just quietly and shamefully looked at her. She deep down knew it wasn’t good and she told me to come clean with her so I did and that’s when I had a outburst how I felt trapped but yet I felt like a slave for a God that didn’t want to deliver me. Belle looked at me and said the Almighty God wants to help you but you won’t let him breath life back into you!

I bursted into tears and Belle then said to me I can see the Lord is answering my prayers I was puzzled by this and that’s when she said to me I can see the Holy Spirit is breaking through the thick wall and laying conviction on your heart. Then she looked and me and said Mike, the Lord said it’s time you need to decided your next set of actions because the Lord is waiting for you to trust Him so He can strengthen you to overcome this addiction. She also told me that the Lord had heard all my my cries for help but I was refusing to receive the help and that was where my downfall was stopping me from letting the Holy Spirit complete the transformation within.

I remember it clearly that night I fell to my knees and just poured my heart out to the Lord and the Lord replied back with the following My child I have heard your plea for help, My child prepare yourself because you will suffer emotional pain so transformation can take place because I must cut you open to drain the poison within you.

Emotional pain I did suffer due to the withdraws from the poison within but I noticed everytime I tried to close the wound the Lord would pour His love upon me opening the wound wider to flush the poison flowing through my viens.

To Be Continued

Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Did you find this post interesting ? How about checking out the archives or trying your luck with a random post never know what you will come across to read!!! S^K (†Souljahz For Christ Ministry†) Souljahz 4 Christ Ministry Motto: God’s faithful foot Souljahz charging the front lines of Spiritual Warfare,To seek out the lost and hurt souls to display God’s Love for humanity. (Ezekiel 37) God Bless,

 

My Porn Addiction Story Part 4

I was a porn addict not to long ago and I’m here to tell you I understand the false thrill and the condemnation Satan lays upon your heart. I promise this back story leads into my porn addiction I am right now explaining the foundation that was built leading me into porn.

In the previous post I finished the post with the following below

 Even though I hurt many women and many women hurt me God still choose to place Belle, in my life as a hero figure so I could see the Hero in God himself, as I think about that its ironic how God choose to fulfill His will sometimes.

In 2005 my father passed away shortly before he passed away I found out I had a pituitary brain tumor and that I had grown breast on my chest because of the tumor. Shortly after finding about the new found tumor my father passed away and I spent the next 4 1/2yrs in a dark spot. I kept questioning my sexual preference, (although I never acted upon dating me) I was also mad at God because I felt I was being punished with breast because of all the hurt I dealt women over the years.

Belle stuck by my side even though I acted like her female besty because I was confused. By 2010 I snapped out of the confusion and decided I wanted to date females only. By mid 2011 the doctor told me that the medicine was shrinking the tumor but my body was not producing enough testosterone and she was worried about more breast growth so she started me on testosterone hormone therapy, this also explained why I didn’t have a sex drive for 2 + yrs. The doctor warned me that I would feel like a teenager with raging hormones all over again I thought how bad can that be I have already dealt with that issue in my teen years. Well It was a big issue and I became tempted to constantly have sex and Belle and I had been dating for 10 + yrs by now and she wanted to honor God by not having sex before marriage, and this wasn’t good enough for me, so I started a relationship with another woman to have a purely sexual relationship with but I became full of guilt after a couple of months and broke it off with her. At this point I turned to the internet to start searching naked photo’s pf women and the hunger grew from there and I turned to porn and the addiction became like a genie in a bottle taunting me to push deeper into the sin of sexual immorality.

There is a price to pay and it is a heavy price because the more you start to indulge into porn the more isolated you become because your mind begins to alter into thinking of self sexual gratification and the women on the net become objects for your sexual playground within your mind. The saying goes once you let the genie out of the bottle the troubles begin. The genie is the wicked desires that lay doormat within your heart and once you start to rub the bottle the devil begins to attack you hard by making the genie in bottle seem harmless.

pornography addiction is like a hidden viper laying in wait to attack and once the viper does the poison keeps you intoxicated to the point of almost no return, the reason I say almost no return is because God is the last thing on your mind at the time and at least for me once I was done viewing pornography I felt so condemned that it left me feeling that God wanted nothing to do with me. It was quite the opposite because God knew what I was going through but the more I watched porn the more I let the viper disguised as a genie poison me.

At first the toxic poison activates the emotional high and once you’re in a carefree state of mind the poison moves into phase two and numbs you, so you don’t feel the effects from the poison attacking you, while all along the poison within keeps you in a mind state that what you’re doing is simply harmless, see the poison is designed to kill you over time because the devil can harm you more this way by racking up the charges of sin, because after awhile the hunger within grows so deep that you’ll begin to move onto other sexual gratifications that is dishonoring to your body.

1 Corinthians 6:18
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. (NIV)

To Be Continued

Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Did you find this post interesting ? How about checking out the archives or trying your luck with a random post never know what you will come across to read!!! S^K (†Souljahz For Christ Ministry†) Souljahz 4 Christ Ministry Motto: God’s faithful foot Souljahz charging the front lines of Spiritual Warfare,To seek out the lost and hurt souls to display God’s Love for humanity. (Ezekiel 37) God Bless,

My Porn Addiction Story Part 3

I was a porn addict not to long ago and I’m here to tell you I understand the false thrill and the condemnation Satan lays upon your heart. I promise this back story leads into my porn addiction I am right now explaining the foundation that was built leading me into porn.

In the previous post I finished the post with the following below

 Belle, didn’t run from me instead she seeked me out day after day with Bible study after the first year of being friends Belle, became my girlfriend and I was nervous and sicken to my stomach because Belle, had class and she wasn’t the type to sleep around she is the kinda woman that is interested in a man that seeks the heart instead of the sack.

Like I said in the previous post God had His hand upon me and He used Belle, to show His love through her Christ like actions. She was far from perfect and we dated behind her abusive fiance’s back when he left to join the military, during those short 8 months her fiance tried many times to get ahold of Belle, but he couldn’t for most of the time and when he finally did she told me her thoughts were preoccupied with thoughts of her and me.

He could sense something wasn’t right so he got himself removed from the boot camp with a dishonorable discharge. Once he got back he noticed Belle, wasn’t home so he started to hunt her down and got wind she was at my place so he, end up at my front door and he was quite abusive towards her, so I lost it and kicked the living hell out of him, but because she was afraid of him, she ended up taking his side and she proceeded to slap me in the face for fighting him on probation. Lord’s hand was really upon me that day because a cop drove by but didn’t see anything because there was a small crowd around us.

After Belle, left with her fiancé I went back to my place and waited to be arrested because the property manager said to me mark my words I’m calling your probation officer, because when I got into to the fight Belle’s fiancé pushed me and I slammed into the door and hit the security guard in the head and cracked his head open.

As I sat there waiting for the cops I couldn’t shake the thought how I just gave my wife what she wanted  all along which was me behind bars. About 2 hrs went by and still no cops so I went down stairs to the front lobby and spoke with the super and that’s when she proceeded to tell me she decided to keep the matter in house and not call the probation officer. I couldn’t thank her enough for the mercy she had given me. All though I was free from going back to jail I wasn’t done having to deal with the aftermath of Belle leaving me. She came by later that day and got her little bit of stuff and we went our separate ways.

About 2 weeks went by and Belle, tried to get ahold of me but I ignored her calls and knocks on my door, I started to drink during those 2 weeks because I couldn’t shake the shame how I charmed her into bed when she was obviously hurting over the way her man was treating her and he was leaving for boot camp. At this point I had one thought in mind and that was, that I would be better off dead because all I ever do is use women, see Belle, was different from most women and I knew deep down I treated her wrong. So one day after about 2 weeks of her trying to get ahold of me she told the super that I wasn’t answering her calls and knocks. So the super came upstairs and checked on me because there was a written contract to do so if the super felt I wasn’t following my probation contract. When the super open the door she didn’t see me at first but Belle did and when the super went to close my apartment door Belle shouted he’s in there injured.

I had overdosed on too much liquor and the very last time I fell I hit my head Belle, rushed to my aid and showed up at the hospital as well. When I had awoken the next day in the hospital the first thing Belle, said to me was never scare me like that again because I love you. I told Belle in return I loved her as well but she was with mr a** hole and I wasn’t going to have any part of it. Belle proceed to tell me then she had left him and that she wanted a re-try with me and her, but things had to change between us because she wanted to Honor God with her actions and body.

Belle’s ex didn’t like the fact she chose me and I was surprised she chose me with my background with women, as we continued on dating her ex didn’t give up trying to get her back and I just kept telling her I cannot put my finger on it but that man is hiding something. One day I came home from work and belle, was crying I asked her what was wrong and that is when she handed me the news paper, and right there on the front page sat an article of her ex being arrested at the public library because he was looking at kiddie porn and was also a suspected serial child molester, needless to say he was convicted and won’t possibly see the outside of bars unless his next parole hearing is granted in the year of 2050. Belle, was devastated because she was molested as a child and here she was dating a serial child molester, I told her not to beat herself up so much because she honestly didn’t know until she read the article in the paper. Belle, continue to invest time into me teaching me about the Lord and His wonderful ways, and I begin to respect women like God expected me to. Belle truly set out to prove to me she was different then most of the women I knew.

Even though I hurt many women and many women hurt me God still choose to place Belle, in my life as a hero figure so I could see the Hero in God himself, as I think about that its ironic how God choose to fulfill His will sometimes.

The next post will be fastword to 2011
To Be Continued

Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Did you find this post interesting ? How about checking out the archives or trying your luck with a random post never know what you will come across to read!!! S^K (†Souljahz For Christ Ministry†) Souljahz 4 Christ Ministry Motto: God’s faithful foot Souljahz charging the front lines of Spiritual Warfare,To seek out the lost and hurt souls to display God’s Love for humanity. (Ezekiel 37) God Bless,

Wounded Spirit

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Yesterday while watching the video above, the Lord spoke to my heart that the dog represents a crushed spirit in relation to us. See we all have had something happen in our lives that has broken our trust and crushed our spirits. The Lord is just like the guy in the video; being persistent with showing us love, trying to teach us to trust Him (Lord) again. by far we are more complex than the dog in the video but we have a perfect creator that knows our hearts inside out and is perfectly ready take on any storm that crushes our spirits.

Thank you for taking the time to read my latest post. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Did you find this post interesting ? How about checking out the archives or trying your luck with a random post never know what you will come across to read!!! S^K (†Souljahz For Christ Ministry†) Souljahz 4 Christ Ministry Motto: God’s faithful foot Souljahz charging the front lines of Spiritual Warfare,To seek out the lost and hurt souls to display God’s Love for humanity. (Ezekiel 37) God Bless,