Lord You Cut Me Open And I Keep Bleeding Love; A Testimony How God Restored My Broken Heart

Valentines day use to be a sore subject for me until today! The reason Valentines day use to be a sore subject is because back in my teenager years I arrived at my girlfriends house with a dozen roses and a big box of chocolate But the devil had other plans that day to ruin the joy in my heart because when I arrived to give her the gift of roses and chocolate I placed into shock from what I stumbled upon…

When I arrived I knocked on the door like I always did and she had a habit of not answering half the time, She told me  before to just walk in after a couple of knocks, So like any other time I knocked an couple of times  and walked in like I always did before but this time it was different and I had no clue what I was walking into…  When I got inside I figured she was taking a nap so I thought to my self I would quietly open her door and leave her Gift on her desk with the love later I wrote for her… But instead when I open the door the roses dropped to the floor because when I open the door my eye’s became fixed upon her having sex with another guy…

I stormed out and went to my friend’s house to get my mind off what I stumbled upon like most teenagers this led to drugs and liquor as well the beginning to my hatred towards God, and women, I thought to my self never again will my heart be vulnerable so I built a wall around my heart and after many years of having the wall up my heart became an callous heart… In my early 20′s I met a woman who started to capture my heart even though my heart was callous, She seemed to have a way about her that I was drawn to, We even started to go to church together which seemed to break the wall around my heart because I thought I found a good christian woman, After dating for a while we got married I thought to myself finally I can allow my heart to become open I continued serving the lord as well treated my wife like a queen…

Little did I know this was going to become a big mistake letting my guard down after being married for 5 months I sensed that we were growing closer but little did I know she was playing with my heart, After a couple of months went by she started to seem different but I just gave her the benefit of the doubt and prayed to God, to help guide her through what ever she was going through… I started to work over time to drawn in extra income so we could go on a trip for valentine’s day a week before the trip I went to work as usual and got sent home because the work duty was light that day and they only needed a few workers… So I took the day off excited to spend the rest of the day with my wife because we hardly had anytime together because of the extra hours I was putting in…

After I left work I stopped by the store and got her the dress she had her eye on I thought I would surprise her as well display I appreciated her as my wife as well show my thankfulness that she was okay with my little time at home due to my extra work hours since we were newlyweds… Like many other times when I would arrive home she would be sleeping and when I left for work she was sleeping due to her work hours so I figured she would be sleeping and I would surprise her after she woke up with the new dress… Little did I know my faith with God was going to become shaken as well my heart crushed again,  The reason I say this is because when I got home I open the bedroom door to slip the dress into the closet but I was stricken an stopped dead in my tracks due to the Fact as I open the door to walked into the bedroom I was greeted with the fact that my wife, was in bed with my friend…

I left I actually ran out because I felt like beating my so-called friend up but I thought to myself He’s not worth going to jail I have a lot to lose if I end up behind bars… I arrived back home the next day to a Good bye John, letter This crushed my heart even more I started shouting at God, why are you doing this to me… I started to drink after drinking for 2 weeks I started to listen to the back street boys Quit Play Games With My Heart the song actually became my new misery song…

I kept on drinking to drown the pain but at the same time I kept pleading with God for my wife to return My mind was warped because I believed I was an christian but yet I didn’t want to follow his commands and kept on getting drunk every waking moment the drinking habit actually caused me my Job, by the Grace of God, I got my good paying job back after a week went by I went to pick up my last check and my ex boss said what is wrong you’re one of my best workers and now you’re a mess, So I broke down and told him,  I am thankful I did because I received the help I needed as well the encouragement to get away from the liquor… after I cleaned up my act I got my job back… by now close to 2 months went by since she left but I still plead with God, for her return…

One day I came home late from work and to my surprise my wife was back I thought to my self God, pulled through now I need to do my part and forgive her and try to move on, so I did just that I forgave her I even tried to fix the relationship after a couple of months my wall started to collapse but little did I know I was heading for another hard Crash and this time the Joke was going to be a very souring experience… As another month passed on I noticed she was acting funny but I just let it go thinking to my self we’re still trying to adjust… One night we went to a party at her sister’s house again little did I know I was heading towards troubling event…

As we where at the party for a while I noticed I started to feel funny The next day I found out she wanted to go the party for the sole reasons the man she left me for was going to be there and she wanted to see him  She admitted the next day she spiked my drink so she could have sex with him, after I passed out from being drugged I ended up in the corner of the room waking up hours later with blood all over my body, While the other guy’s were waiting to have their turn with my wife they decided to kick me in the head multiple times as well take broken beer bottles and cut my body up…

The day after the party I was pissed and I wanted answers so I demand she tell me that’s when she proceed to tell me during the time she was gone staying at my so-called friends house he, introduced her to heroin and she started to sell her body to support the habit, at this point I was still clueless How I was linked to this so I demand she explain why she came back and that’s when she told me that her drug dealer lived in the apartment complex and that she was selling her body to the surrounding neighbors… You can image how I felt I was enraged I decided I wasn’t going to deal with it right then I  wanted to calm down first an went to bed because I wanted some rest before work again little did I know this was going to blow up in my face… Because before I laid down I got a glass of water the phone rang so I left the cup on the counter that’s when she spike my water which caused me to pass out when she noticed I was starting to come to she stuck a needle in my arm and drugged me again at this point I wasn’t in my right frame of mind I was high shortly after my other so-called friend showed up telling me that my wife wanted me to move out I refused and him and I ended up in a fight during that Time frame I was at my breaking point an turned my rage on my wife, by wrapping my arm around her throat… Please Note I never laid a hand on her before this as I stated I treated her like a queen… also Please take into consideration I all that I endured as well-being under the influence of the drug she injected into me…

As for my so called friend (not the one that slept with her) decided to slip the drugs she had in her purse into the side pocket of my jacket to set me up because she called him while I was sleeping and promised him sex if he would help her get me out of the apartment (I was so focus on choking her I didn’t even notice he had slip the drugs into my jacket…)  of-course  the cops found the drugs on me  I ended getting charged with aggravated assault with the intent to commit murder I plead guilty I had no choice I was recorded on the 911 call saying I am going to kill you, plus I was guilty for my actions…

After 2 days being in Jail a female detective come to speak with me and notified me that my charge may be lessen because things weren’t adding up plus it was my first time in trouble with the law as an adult…  I went on to explain to the detective I was set up to be the fall guy so she could gain the apartment so she could continue with her prostitution to pay for her drug habit and that placing the drugs on me was just a added bonus to keep me behind bars longer… The detective explained to me that it looked fishy on my end because I had drugs in my system I pleaded with detective and told her that she spiked my water as I started to wake up I was feeling to weak to move and I felt a needle poke and that my wife drugged me… That’s when she said even if I believe you how I am to prove that I said I Don’t know you’re the detective then she replied we will be in touch…

Eleven days later I was released but during those 11 days I hit rock bottom and turned to the lord and said You know the truth and my heart in this situation please help me… when I was released I was told to go straight to the detective office so I did, and spoke with the detective and that’s when she told me that another man was arrested close to the same fashion never been in trouble with the law had the same drug in his system and was being arrested for aggravated assault against my wife…. The detective said that it struck her curiosity so she did a system search for my wife’s name to see if there was any other reports similar  that’s when the female detective noticed quite a few other men were arrested in the same manner against her sister but what caught the detectives attention my wife’s name kept popping up as a witness with the events surround her sister, A pattern was emerging so the detective decided to release me and drop the other pending charges with the drugs found on me… I still had to go to anger management due to the Judges orders all though the charges were in consideration of being dropped which I got lucky the judge took everything into consideration and said I will drop the attempted murder charge and the aggravated assault charge can come off your record in 7 years if you stay out of trouble… which I did!

When I got out of Jail I was also set up by the probation officer to take a job training Class God, was working in my favor with all this but I didn’t see it until now… I started to fall away from the Lord, when I got out of jail after being in class for a week new classmates joined and that’s when I met Belle, after 3 weeks of classes She walked up to me an said care to hang out with me ? I was skittish she noticed and reply I won’t bite in a joking manner I replied sure that’s when she said she was heading over to her favorite park and she would like if I would tag along so I did, when we got there she could tell I was apprehensive so she told me to relax she had no intentions more than just spending time together while enjoying the nature around us…

She made it a habit to hang out daily at the park after 2 weeks she asked If I believed in God, and I replied yes but He’s mad at me and she said whys that  I  replied long story that’s when she replied I have time so I told her afterwards I said now you probably want nothing to do with me because in everyone else’s eye’s I am a wife beater even my friends abandoned me… I will never forget what she said next I am not here to judge you that’s God’s business I am interested with getting to know the real inner you… But I couldn’t trust her because of all the past events with women in my life I made a promise to myself I wasn’t going to let my heart be hurt again…

I started to avoid her and my closet demons started to creep up on me and I started drinking again Belle, stop by and called for day’s with no success of getting a hold of me so she said to the super that she was worried about me The super knew Belle well before I moved in to the apartment complex so the super said sure I will unlock the door but you can’t go in Belle, replied okay… I am very thankful she ask because she saved my life after I had drank for 4 days straight and the very last time I passed out during the 4 day drinking binge I ended up hitting my head and I was also suffering from  alcohol poisoning…

She stayed at the Hospital all night praying for me I was in bad shape when I awoke I was amazed she cared enough to stick by my side… afterwards she stayed a couple of days and took care of cleaning and cooking so I could recover I said to her why are you doing this she replied because I care about you This touched my heart enough the light was bleeding through the crack of the wall surrounding my heart…

As Months went on I started liking her more and more than I got side tracked by an almost 2 year divorce (I spent the first year out of the 2 saving money) a private investigator had to be hired to track down my wife… God, was working in my life again I just didn’t notice,  The lawyer was kind enough to take on my case for free and hired the investigator because he knew I was just getting back up on my feet with my new job…

After my divorce was final Belle, and I started to date and have been together ever since (Going On 12yrs) during these past 11yrs she has been a very patient wife, because of the past events with women I couldn’t trust her and I started to believe Women didn’t deserve to have feelings and this affect our relationship but she kept going to the lord  requesting for Him to soften my heart… God, Heard Her prayers and God, used my dads death which I spent 4 years in a dark place due to hatred I had towards my dad all the way up to his last breath, After he died I turned that hatred on my self, Belle, still stuck by side showing her love and patience even though I would wear it thin at times…

In the past year I became addicted to porn as well I cheated on her when she found out she still choose to stuck by my side…  Her, kindness, patients, honesty, Love, has really spoken to my heart which in return displayed God answered her prayer to soften my heart back in December of 2011 I decided I wanted to live for God, and be the Husband My Wife deserves even though I struggled with submission towards God, and my wife, God, and Belle, choose to stick by my side because of Belle’s relentless prayers God, knocked the wall down and Cut my Heart open and Now I keep bleeding love, even though my heart’s crippled by the vein I keep on closing.

Conclusion

I wrote this because God, spoke to my heart to share about my harden heart I hope my testimony about my cold heart condition can encourage you to seek God, for Love, because True love can only be found through God, He, placed in all of us the desire to seek His, love but because of being born into sin we seek love else were which leads to a harden heart and troubling situations.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away

I use a God Wants you To Know App via Facebook and todays saying was the following

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know … that sometimes ‘going within’ is more important than ‘going out’. What is happening within you, in the recesses of your heart, in the voice of your most precious inner self? Still yourself and look within to find the answers.