As I was reading a fellow Christian blogger’s latest post where she describes that she is experiencing a heavy attack from the Devil, I sensed God, tugging at my heart to share my unfaithful experience (Testimony) that only my wife, and a few others knew about until now 
I am actually still recovering from the negative effects that followed after my very poor decisions…
This post is a reply to her post as well my Testimony being displayed to read in hopes you can become encouraged to work with God, against the strongholds in your life…
The reason I chose to auto play this song is because the song displays a true desire to know God, after conquering your strongholds.
Back in July of 2010, I asked God, into my heart an couple of months went by where I was on fire for Gods, purpose then it seem to go down hill from there I started to miss bible study every week to the point I stopped going all together because this dark cloud seem to grow larger above me each day as the weeks pressed on I started to read my bible less and less to the point the Bible sat and collected dust, I still felt conviction upon my heart to repent and seek God, but I just ignored the conviction as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months I became more numb as time grew I was hardly thinking about God, even though the conviction grew strong within my heart each day…
Towards the end of 2010 the Doctor prescribed testosterone, shots because I have a brain tumor that effects my body’s hormones When I started taking the testosterone, shots I started to experience a sex drive I felt like I was in my teens all over again experiencing the sex drive for the first time because I went without a sex drive for 2 years due to the brain tumor…
At this point in my Unfaithful journey the year frame was 2011 I started to feel that God, abandon me and that I wasn’t worthy for God, to save me, because of the lies I was allowing to stay in my mind, Temptation of Lust, came upon me very strong and quick, I tried to fight the temptation at first but the temptation grew stronger each time, so I gave up and started to seek sites that was centered around nude pics, This habit grew for months which lead me into seeking out porn sites next… Months, after the porn sites didn’t seem to be enough so I decided to seek a relationship outside my marriage, The relationship lasted for about a month even though we both decided to end the relationship the lustful actions between us continued on… As the months pressed on I started to feel the conviction from God, again when June rolled around the stress of hiding the porn as well the sexual relationship became unbearable so I decided to quietly push away from the relationship.
At this point more negative thoughts were flooding my mind because I felt guilty hiding all this from my wife, because I knew it was going to hurt her in the long run, At this point I continued on watching porn, when August rolled around I couldn’t handle the conviction from God, anymore so at this point I decided to seek God, and go cold turkey with the porn, easier said then done. 2 weeks went by and I was right back watching porn, and I fell away from God, again…
Nov, rolled around and I was sick of the lifestyle I was leading so I re-asked God, into my heart, a week went by and the temptation grew stronger and I ended up watching porn, again…
From Nov, 2011 to 2 weeks into Jan, 2012 I was wrestling with wanting God, and porn, I would cry out to God, many times during the day for forgiveness because I watched porn, it got to the point I would watch porn shortly after praying to God, for forgiveness, early Dec, 2011 I decided to trust God, to help me pull away from my addictions but the help didn’t arrive (My Timing) I was frustrated and asked God, to take this addiction from me… God, answered my prayer later that night with a blog post title God, said NO within the post the question was mentioned God, please take this sin from me and God, replied NO because its not mine to Take but yours to Give and not to take back.
I thought finally a way out but I struggled with giving it up I cried out to God, stating this addiction was a powerful emotional drug to me, after the first week of Dec, 2011 I decided to Give up the porn sites and I did, but I didn’t give up the sin of Lust, instead I started to undress women with my eye’s no matter where I was, This lead me right back to naked pics again, I would ask for forgiveness many times a day and continue with the lust as well up until 2 weeks into Jan, 2012 The second week of Jan, I was tired of wrestling back and forth with God, and lust so I cried out God, please see my heart through all this and help me, 4 days went by and I decided to watch a documentary about the drug called Crack.
While watching God, spoke to my heart and said these people are addicted but your addiction is not this severe That’s when I realized I wasn’t just addicted I was also being selfish with letting God, take control of the wheel of my life, 2 days ago I cried out to God, and said please take the wheel because I can not handle it anymore, Later that night I was watching an Christian play on YouTube and I came across the Valley Of Dry Bones play, shortly after the video was finished I sensed this tug on my heart to read the bible so I decided to read the Bible, I open the Bible and I prayed that God, would direct me to the right scripture for my spiritual needs… right after my prayer this strong gentle voice entered my mind look at the page you randomly open to…
I was amazed it was the Valley Of Dry Bones, Scripture (Ezekiel 37:1-14) so I read verse 1-14 and I was confused but knew God, was trying to rely a message, I went to bed that night pondering about what I read… When I woke up the next day still curious about what God, was trying to tell me so decided I research deeper into the scripture, I recently bought an Amplified Bible Joyce Meyer edition where she explains how to apply the scripture in our daily life’s as I was reading the description I learned that God, was trying to tell me That because I gave full control of my life over to Him, He’s no longer being blocked by my selfish actions and started my deliverance with the emotional addiction linked to my lust issues as well recovery,
I praise God, through all this because when I woke up after reading the scripture the night before I noticed the sexual lust desire was Gone! I know the devil will try again but I know this time the true power placed within us through the Holy Spirit, God, is also Great because I was struggling with Jumping out of my comfort zone and have been thinking heavily about deleting this post until I came across a post in my blog reader title “Venture Out Of Comfort Into The God Zone” Via PureGlory.net
Conclusion:
God, wants to help you become free of your spiritual strongholds but you have to be willing to submit yourself to him at any cost… As well soften your heart and be willing to part way with anything God sees fit…
Related Posts:
Number 1 Killa (Lust)
Self Indulgent Life Style Leads To Emptiness Inside
Our God, Reigns Through Our Trials
Gods Strength Prevails During Our Weakest Moments
God Wants All Of Your Emotional Baggage
Does Jesus Still Feel The Nails Every Time I Fail
No Matter What
Set Me Free From These Chains
Don’t Give Up
You’re Not Alone
As Christians We Shall Be Fearless Servants Of God,
This song I found inspiring since it speaks about the struggle of becoming free of spiritual strongholds… If the song above as well this one inspire you, You may like to know you can download the album for FREE! via E.denial’s website
I really liked your testimony. There were somethings you said that had me thinking about the things I went through.
I see that you liked my post and I pray that you do stick around so then you can see what else I write.
I almost got addicted to porn and the thing is that I was doing it behind my mother’s back. I knew it was wrong but there was this void inside of me, too. And I was desperate to fill it up. I did feel that God was not there although, I knew the contrary.
Joyce Meyer made me realize that I cannot let my feelings dictate my reality.
And it wasn’t until recently that I read a verse having to do with the Holy Spirit.
That the Holy Spirit makes His permenant home within every believer and the Holy Spirit is God. And that’s when I saw that God never went anywhere because He’s ALWAYS with me.
@LaraMar,
I do actually plan to read your future posts!
Joyce Meyer’s Ministry has been such a blessing Her, teachings have helped me Grow closer to God, in the last 6 months also as I was reading your reply the following song come to mind which explain how even though God, seems hidden from us at times that we can stand upon the promise He never left,
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Dear Slik, so many will be able to identify with you.
As I’m reading your testimony I can’t help but recall Hosea (more recently – Francine Rivers’ novel REDEEMING LOVE). Sin is sin – no matter what name we give it. And sin is something we all have in one way or another. Luckily there is now no condemnation for us who are in Christ Jesus!
“If His Grace was an ocean, we’d all be sinking.” Thanx for sharing…
Maxie
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Christians are going to fall, but the true Christian is the one that is going to be the one that is going to say, Lord I have Fallen short, and they will be picked back up.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: “LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints.I don’t understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.” The LORD replied: “My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
Reblogged this on Daily Journal.
Conviction is the worst thing to handle, but it looks like you are doing a excellent job at excepting it. As long as you continue on the road you are on, you life will PROSPER
Thank you for being so real and sharing your struggles. We all struggle with something. It is only when we surrender to God that we see victory. Your openness and honesty is so appreciated.
This is a very brave post my dear friend. I’m sure it was very difficult for you to post since it is a personal account of the rough journey that brought you to the place that you are now. There is no condemnation in Christ and I thank you so much for sharing your testimony.
I have encountered similar issues with addiction myself with different temptations such as “clubbing and drinking” which I ultimately put a stop to 2 years ago after a year of not really being able to hear God’s voice. I was going through a major depression phase that was initiated by some persecution I experienced within my church by certain members that hurt me deeply but at the same time groomed me to be more mature in Christ about the whole thing.
It was a very dire situation for me becuase I was thinking suicidal thoughts and also considered stopping from going to the church all together that had members there who wounded my spirit. It’s easy to run from a situation but we can’t run from ourselves. I think your testimony is a reflection of what is bound to happen after you decide when you want to fully commit to God. I thought being saved was going to be a rosey and lovely journey with God but it seems that everything turns upside down after that because God needs to shake all the impure stuff out of us to help us understand that each day is a spiritual battle between good vs. evil. We don’t know what’s locked inside our spirit until the holy spirit starts the painful purification process to renew the right spirit in us so that we can be transformed into God’s Image.
I think what you went through was indicative that under the surface there were personal things that needed to manifest themselves so that you could deal with it not by your own might and power but by the Spirit of God. God was calling you to rely on Him during your painful struggle which is something I have learned from my own journey. Sometimes, with powerful addictions such as lust (not just sexual, it could also be with food, drugs, etc), deliverance is possible through prayer and fasting for such things as well. If you ever feel compelled again or struggle with something else that pops up, I suggest fasting and praying for God’s delieverance over that situation. Sometimes these addictions come from things that are not of our own doing but can be from generational issues past on from generation to generation unwittingly. You’ll be suprised how powerful Fasting is for you when you seek deliverance with difficult issues.
The verse that comes to mind when I think of the power of Fasting is this:
Isaiah 58:6
Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
You can read more about it through here:
http://nightshade130.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/fasting-with-a-purpose-hit-the-target-pt-1/
http://nightshade130.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/fasting-with-a-purpose-hit-the-target-pt-2/
http://nightshade130.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/fasting-with-a-purpose-hit-the-target-pt-2/
Thank you once again for your post. I’m sorry if I wrote too much for my comment but your post was very motivational, moving and encouraging. Stay blessed in your journey and know that you are Loved by God.
Sherline.