God's PR Rep Experience

I recently seen a 1 minute video via 30God.com The video was about being a PR Rep for God, Anyways the video got me thinking on a deeper level about this subject which I didn’t take much notice nor thought to in the past…

After watching the video I thought about the phrase my dad would say to me quite often was “People around me will see God’s love through my actions” but if you back time up to 5 years before my dad saying that phrase to me… He was a man who didn’t believe in God, let alone live a Godly life and his life style reflected that too… He was a heavy alcoholic and drug user to the point that with his health issues he ended up having a stroke at the age of 45.

The stroke was a wake up call for him when my dad came to from his medical induced coma after the 3rd day from the day of his stroke attack… He said to me a couple of days later with a dry erase board that he saw the true action of Love & Mercy From God, I asked him if he could explain about the experience when he felt better…

But unfortunately the stroke impaired his speech and it took him 2 yrs before I got the chance to start to hear bits and pieces of the experience and it was hard at times to understand what he was trying to say. For the next 3yrs of his life on earth he would tell me in sentence like a little child just learning how to put a sentence together… He would tell me I saw God, and God, said to me “I am not done with you yet I am going to give you a second chance but your life won’t be as easy as it was before” and it wasn’t because after that stroke he spent the next Five years in the Vent home because he couldn’t take care of him self…
 For the first two years his sister would take him to church and he would light up like a Christmas tree every Sunday! But after the second year My aunt had to stop taking him because his health was getting worse and he started to need more medical attention so he started receiving hourly check ups from the nurses on duty… Believe it or not when he had to stop going to church he still had a very cheerful attitude towards others and God, My aunt worked it out for the paster or one of the church members to check up on him on Sundays after church service and they would drop by and minster to him and share the sermon they had at their Sunday service…

After his first 2yrs living there I started to visit him on a weekly basis I started to notice a spiritual change from him he was really soaking up Gods, word. I could see more changes as time went on but I didn’t want to admit to the changes I was seeing because the father I knew was a mean drunk and I couldn’t get past my hatred towards him for what he put me through over the years of growing up… Every week when I would show up to visit with him he would try to build a son and Father relationship and I acted like I wanted the same but I couldn’t move past the hatred still and now that I think back I am pretty sure he could see my fake actions…

But he never gave up on me during those last 3yrs he was here on earth he would tell me how God, was so great and how he was blessed to have a son like me but I couldn’t see the same way he did because of the hatred I had for him… One day he said to me I am sorry for everything I did to you and the deep pain I caused you… He told me that he would pray every night about the pain he caused me would be healed over time… He would always say to me I hope you allow your heart to be conditioned so God, can start the healing process… I remember thinking to my self every time he would say that to me that God, didn’t care enough to heal the pain because GOD, allowed me to go through the pain…

I think about it now my thought pattern was so wrong because I put the blame on God, while my father made the choices that lead up to the moments that produced the deep emotional pain and God, pointed that out to him I am aware of that fact because my dad told me so and that he felt guilt for the first year after his stroke… Then he try to tell me that he came to terms and laid his feelings at the cross and ask if I would do the same… But I couldn’t come to terms and lay my feelings at the cross… I finally felt like I had the upper hand controlling the pain he caused and I was selfish enough to take advantage to let him know with my words on his dying bed how I felt and that I was not going to forgive him… I remember there was a cup by his hospital bed that had a sponge to wet his dry mouth he asked me to wet his mouth for him and I denied to help him out… So my sister helped him, then she walked out of the room and he was trying to speak but he was having a hard time speaking because he was short of breath then my father looked at me and said “I forgive you my son and i hope some day you can do the same so your hurt is set free”… Then he said to me “I can only Imagine” I didn’t clearly understand what he meant by that phrase so I asked him and he replied to me I wonder what it’s going to be next to God, in Heaven…

I remember with a cold hearted tone I said Dad, get over it you’re not going to die you’ll be fine and sent back to the vet home when the doctor is ready to release you and he replied to me No son I love you but my task here is completed and God, is calling me home… Then about 4hrs later I got a call to get back up to to the hospital because things were turning for the worse… Those next 8hrs were hellish for me  because I and my sister was face with the decision to sign Papers that would stop the doctors from trying to revive our father,

All I could think about for those 8hrs was how I could of forgave my dad and soaked up all those father & son relationship moments for those 3yrs… Plus my mind was haunted how hours before his turn for the worse in the hospital how my tone and actions were because now I was faced with my dad, not waking up from his coma… I knew at this point that my feelings and actions were going to haunt me and it started during the long 8hrs… Just a few moments short of 8hrs my father passed away peacefully without the plug being pulled no one in the room even knew he passed away the nurse came in and said I am sorry his vitals are flat line…

Side note The nurse said that day “Wow I have experienced a lot of deaths within my career field but your dads death was the most peaceful I have experience here at the hospital“

On his funeral day God, had a plan in the works and it was weird because my dad said to me hours before he died “I can only Imagine” then my aunt that I haven’t seen in long time said to me I would like to play the mercy me song “I can only imagine” she had no way knowing what my dad said to me because I was the only other person besides my dad, to know about our conversation… That phrase I can only Imagine stayed with me during these past 5yrs of his death…

Recently (July 2010) I broke down because I didn’t like the direction my life style was heading so I ask God, to take over the driver seat of my life don’t get me wrong I failed at letting God, have full control but I just get back up and retry each time I fail… Shortly after I asked God, to be part of my life & life style I said in a prayer to God, please take the impurity you see fit that needs to go… Then a few months went by Then I started to feel this strong emotional pull and I knew God, was tugging at the Hatred I had towards my dad and my self because I couldn’t forgive myself for my words and actions towards my dad on his dying bed… At first I refused to give it up then the more God, would tug at my heart it actually got to the point were I started to uncontrollably cry while God, tugged at my heart because the pain from over the years was surfacing all at once…

I remember yelling at God, why ? and his reply was because your heart is conditioned at this moment to handle this pain you have buried deep within… During that Moment I remember my dad said he prayed for the healing of the pain he caused to be healed and he hoped one day I would allow my heart to be conditioned to allow God, to start the healing process… After I decided to trust God, and let him tug at those painful emotions I remember after the tug-of-war of all the hurtful emotions I was experiencing I felt emotionally energetic…

Then a few short days later I saw the video titled Gods PR Rep I felt the tug at my heart again to share how my dad was a PR Rep for God, but that would require me to talk about those painful events in my life, and as I sat here and wrote this post up I started to realize that God, was planting a seed in my heart through my Dad, as well as many others he may have spoken to with his words and actions… Even though it’s 5yrs later not a single day went by without thinking about the 180 degree life change my dad made… As I sit here and think back at those visits I was blessed to be able to see God’s, love and actions through a father that displayed hatred towards me for many years…

Thank you for taking the time to read this post… Please feel free to share your thoughts!

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